this entry is the contents of a stickynotepad with pretty kittens and little flowers on the casing and around the edges. from a local bookshop, all written while i was lost in the middle of a park. possibly multiple times. yes, the title is a reference to the amount of calories i was there to burn after only consuming. this should be a warning to not do that crap.

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I will make myself Exist. I will MAKE myself exist. I will make myself E Xist.I will make my self exist. I will MAKE myself exist.

i will. i will. i will. i will. i will. i will.

i will.

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will i?

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you live your life under a pen name but you haven't written a word. sit on that bench. jot that down. this starts now. don't let it go this time. maybe you wouldn't Remember

that dog that just walked by, but now you will. maybe it doesn't matter anyway. maybe this doesn't matter anyay. that dog doesn't care - maybe it wouldn't even if it could.

But does that matter? you care. you have to. It's all you can do. Just put it out into the world and pretend it doesn't matter if you don't get it back.

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That's all that matters.

I care about you.

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I don't know what I know, but I know what I don't know. That's not the Right phrasing, but that's how it came out. I know this. I wonder if you do.

I know the Answer to that, but I don't know what it is. I know you do. Do you? I know this.

Do you? I wonder if i'm out of my mind and I know I don't know the answer.

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I Don't Know how many times this has been said before.

I know I Love you.

I know I Always have.

I know I Always will.

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I wonder what the truth will be in a minute. I wonder which me i will be.

I Don't have to wonder that i repeat myself to hide the shame -

or maybe it's a part of it, out on display.

maybe. no.

What side of the blockade is it on? What side am i? What side are the others? Maybe I should have used which.

You know every one.

or do you?

Would you still be here if you did? or is that why it is how it is. I know that it isn't.

Don't be so self centered - but you are as well.

AREN'T we all?

it's ok

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The world revolves around you. or at least the one my brain translates from my eyes.

I wonder what yours is like. I Dont. I don't need to or do i or I want to but would you let me.

You know this.

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OK i am a little insane out of my barely mind running off fumes?

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I Am always alone but I am never. I feel it. Do you feel it too? Maybe that's why you like the distance so much. Maybe I have too much hope.

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I MET a dog named Jackson. i sat in a Graveyard at 3AM. I walked through it at 12 the Night before. I saw the stars.

NO ONE has seen them the Exact same way. No one will. A child walks past. I don't look him in the eyes.

He doesn't see mine.

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I love every One of You.

That's enough to be said.

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"Aren't you tired?"

"Extremely." I say, eyes still wide open.

You yawn.

"Aren't You?"

"Maybe."

You stay awake though I ask you to rest. i do so too.

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I BURNED MY

hands on the steering wheel trying to turn things around. I didn't see the streetcar coming. I never look back well enough while backing up. of course it was named Desire. of course it was mine.

The newspapers post a story of the cliche - but they forget to write that as my skull hit the pavement, I thought of you (right there next to me).

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→ Sometimes things shine so bright they burn/Burn so warm theyre hot too hot to touch?

Almost.

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I HAVE BEEN

All things Revolting. I've been all nothings too.

I HAVE BEEN

All things Unknown. I've been what's lying beyond the darkness.

I AM

what you fear is there, but know it isn't.

The imagined unimaginable.

❅